Addiction
by Andy Burris
Summary: The Winchester brothers have dealt with every type of monster you could imagine and come through. Will Sam and Dean be able to get past their own demons?


Addiction

A Supernatural Fan Fiction

Sam knew Dean didn't just use alcohol to get by. He knew about the self-medication but didn't want it to be true. Of course Sam had tried marijuana at Stanford even though he would laugh it off, but that was then and only a couple times. This was serious and had been going on for some time. He couldn't even blame it on Dean's time in Hell because he had suspected it before then, but the signs were getting more evident as time passed. Sam needed to figure out the right way to go about this. Dean could be stubborn and set in his ways. Things had to change and soon.

(Time line: Season 4, as the 66 seals fall.)

It had been about two and a half year since the accident. Sam could still hear the glass shatter in his dreams. The sight of his father and brother seemingly dead would haunt him forever. He knew Dean felt guilty about the death of their father even thought it was never his fault. No one could make John do anything so the responsibility of his demon deal was his doing and his alone. Sam just wished Dean could forgive himself.

Like any other demon bastard yellow eyes had found a loophole. Dean was alive, but not whole. At times the pain of his body having been fractured by an eighteen wheeler would catch up to him. Sam could see the pain in his eyes at night when they would get back to whatever crap motel they were staying. But Dean being Dean was always more concerned about Sam than himself. There was no way he would lay this out on his little brother.

This continued for a few months until one night Sam saw something different in his brother's eyes. A kind of peace. At first he just chalked it up to Dean finally healing and was grateful for his relief from the pain. Thinking back now Sam could tell this was the beginning of the addiction, but not necessarily the problem.

In that two and a half year time the boys went to hell and back, literally in Dean's case. Both had died and been reborn. No monster had been able to best them. Not even the Croatoan virus had stopped them. The brothers knew that could not last forever and didn't expect to live to an old age.

Even with a hunters short shelf life Sam wanted to save his brother, even if it was from himself. On this night Sam found himself alone in their motel room. Dean was out on a beer run and would be gone for only a short time. Looking across the room Sam eyed Dean's duffle. "Fuck it," he told himself as he went to investigate. What he found confirmed his fears.

Tucked away was a medicine bottle. The label said it was for John Bonham and was for Oxycontin. "Holy shit." Sam put everything back and waited for his brother. It is not exactly what he was expecting, but at least now he knew what he was dealing with. Sam decided he wasn't going to come up front and tell Dean his fears. He was going to do his best to lead his brother to it and let him tell as much or as little as he was ready to.

The sound of the very distinctive engine of the Impala filled the room. Sam braced himself for the fight he knew was coming as he heard Dean close the car door. A few seconds later the motel room door opened a Dean entered carrying beer and a bag with burgers.

"Hey" Dean said as he started to cross the room to put everything down on the table.

"Hey" Sam responded standing up and from his bed where he had sat waiting.

"Anything from Bobby while I was gone?"

"No he hasn't called yet. Dean let me ask you something. I'm just gonna be straight up with you."

"Okay…"

"I know it's been a rough few months," Sam started.

"Well that's an understatement," Dean quipped.

"And I know you're not alright. How could you be? I know I'm not."

"Where are you going with this Sam?"

"Dean I'm going to need you to be honest with me. You're on something, aren't you?" So much for the plan of leading Dean to it.

"Excuse me?" was all Dean could say. Where was this coming from?

"I see it in your eyes Dean. It's not just alcohol helping you cope anymore. What are you on? What are you addicted to Dean?"

"Sammy do you really want to start in on who is addicted to what? What I'm doing is nothing compared to what you do with that demon bitch Ruby. Do you even see what she has done to you?"

"Dammit Dean, why whenever anyone tries to talk to you about you do you feel the need to turn it around on them? I know I'm screwed up and I'm trying my best to deal with it, but you don't see a thing wrong with what you are doing. Do you even care what this shit is doing to you?"

"You haven't been in my shoes Sam so do not presume you know what I'm thinking."

"Then tell me Dean. Help me to understand how this started and what it is. Dude we have been through too much crap together to shut each other out now."

"And that crap is how it started," Dean responded.

"What?" Sam said looking in his brothers eyes.

"The accident."

"What about the accident?"

"When dad made his deal with yellow eyes not everything came back normal for me all right."

"Meaning?" Sam wanted him to say it. If he said it maybe he would deal with it.

"The pain Sam. My body was so broken that the pain was too much for me. The doctor gave me something that was supposed to just be while I healed up, but at times I was numb and just didn't give a fuck. As time went on I just became so use to the feel and it actually helped me focus in some strange way. I wasn't hurting anyone," Dean needed Sam to understand this was not a problem. He had it under control.

"No one but yourself you mean? That's bullshit and you know it. All those times you scared the crap out of me in the field and I'm over her thinking it's dad, or Gordon, or your own damn demon deal, but all the time you were popping pills which you know damn good and well don't mix with the whiskey you have been downing. What are you on Dean? Tell me the truth." Sam was just getting more pissed by the minute. How could Dean put him in this position? It was both their asses on the line out there and he needed to know his brother had his back.

"It wasn't the pills Sam. It was dad, and Gordon and yes, even my own fucking demon deal. The pills just helped me to see past all that and focus on the job."

"Okay now I'm just tired of this shit. What the hell are you on Dean?"

"Oxycontin. You Happy?"

"Am I happy? What kind of fucked up question is that?"

"A sarcastic one."

"Obviously."

"Sam please…"

"No Dean you don't get to try and justify it. You are my brother and I love you, so please let me help you."

Dean look past Sam and stared at the wall a good minute before he could answer. "I was off of it so you know. By the time I was a hell hound chew toy I swear to you I was off it. Truth is I knew it was wrong but I just didn't care, but as my time counted down I knew I wanted to fight, I needed to fight, so I got off it cold turkey and I was fine."

"Okay so if it was behind you and you were in such a good place at the end then why start again?"

"Hell Sam. Hell. I can't erase what I saw and did down there and getting numb again helped. I didn't want to lay this shit on you man."

"Dean that's why I'm here. I've told you that it's not on you to save me and keep me safe. We protect each other and have each others backs. If you were feeling like this and going back to your old habits then you could have come to me."

"And say what Sam? That I'm weak? That I'm a junkie? That's how you see me right? A junkie."

"Dean I never said and would never say such a thing."

"You didn't have to. The fact we are even having this conversation tells me that is what you think of me.

Sam just looked at his brother. That was it. "Fuck it. I know you're lying to me."

"What?"

"This didn't start with the accident. Dean I'm with you every day. I saw in your eyes when this started and it was months before the accident. This started after that faith healer, and that is on me. I never meant to put you in that position, but don't tell me that doctor's prescription was the issue and where this started."

"It really was Sammy. I don't know what to tell you, at first I took it like he said, but then I decided if one pill felt like that then what would two feel like."

"So let me get this straight, not only were you on Oxycontin but you decided you would just take however much felt good?"

"That's not a fair way to put it," Dean protested.

"Not fair? Not fair is me finding out my brother who is supposed to have my back lied to me. Do you even comprehend you could have gotten us both killed in the field? Dean you drink like a damn fish and just decided to add painkillers to the mix."

"Watch is Sam. I have always and will always have your back. Don't you ever doubt that."

"Of course I doubt it. You have been lying to me all this time." Sam's heart was breaking having to admit this.

"Sam get off your high horse already. You're not dad so stop trying to act like him" Dean was seeing red and was about to lay Sam out on the floor if he kept this up.

"Act like dad? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you really think he would give a shit about this? No he would not. He was so whiskey soaked himself that any kind of numbing agent would never have even bothered him."

That knocked Dean back on his heels. He has always tried to be the good son, the good solider and where had it gotten him. "You're right," he conceded.

"I'm sorry?" Sam was sure he heard wrong.

"You're right Sam. Dad was a jackass and as long as the momentum went forward then the ends would always justify the means."

"Wow Dean I'm really surprised to hear that come out of your mouth."

"I'm not stupid Sam and I'm sure not blind. I saw what affect his drinking had on you."

"I know you're not stupid, far from it, but dad's drinking affected you too Dean. Do you really think if you hadn't had John Winchester as an example you would have ever thought this was ever right?"

"Do you really think I see this as being okay?" Dean really hoped he didn't

"You don't?" Sam really didn't know what to think.

"No Sam I don't. That's why I stopped the first time. It was wrong and I didn't want to die and leave you here alone. My year was ticking down and Hell was getting closer so I knew I needed to fight and try and find a way out of that deal"

"Alright then stop again. You said you stopped when you decided to fight, then fight. Here we are no closer to ending Lilith and we are fighting over fucking drugs of all things. What do you think Bobby would say? Better yet what do you think mom would say? Do you think she would be proud?"

"Wow you really don't play fair do you Sam?'

"Never said I did. You are so pig headed Dean that I don't know of any other way to get through to you. You need to fight."

"You make it sound so simple."

"Of course it's not simple, but it can be simpler. Let me help you. You don't have to fight this alone."

"Sam you can't fight this for me. No one can."

"I know that Dean. You are the only one who can, and if you don't fight it doesn't make a fucking bit of difference if I would try to."

Again all Dean could do was stare at the wall until he had the words. "Alright I'll fight. I don't want to let you down Sammy. I know I have in the past and that's not what I want for you. But in all honesty I'm not even sure where to start this time."

"Okay then. For starters I'm not going to ask for any details. I don't care if you were doctor shopping, had a dealer or whatever. How you got there and how you got the pills are not important to me right now. What is important is getting these pills away from you so you can try to move forward."

Dean didn't say a word. He went to his duffle and took the bottle of pills out. He went into the bathroom and Sam heard him flush them. When Dean came back he handed his brother the empty bottle. Sam just looked at it for a few seconds before looking Dean in the eye.

"Alright," was all he could say.

"Alright," Dean responded.

"If you feel any part of you wanting to go back to this please tell me. If you feel your body can't handle not getting this then please, I beg you, tell me. We can get through this together. I know you said you beat it yourself the first time, but you don't have to this time."

"I know Sam. To tell you the truth I don't want to. I trust you with my life every day. I'm going to have a little faith here."

Sam just did not have any words. Here was his brother opening up in a way he hoped was as honest as he was trying to be with Dean. "Well this is not at all how I thought this conversation would go."

"In all honesty Sam I might, and probably will fall. I can't promise I won't. I will promise you I'm going to fight with everything I have. Please just don't hate or give up on me if I do ever give up the fight. Your strength has always given me strength."

"Dean I could never hate you. You may piss me the fuck off, but I have never, and will never hate you."

"Okay tomorrow is a new start. I'm used to fighting my ass off. Now I'm going to have to fight this addiction head on. I want to make it where you don't have to worry about me. I'm your big brother and you should not have to."

"Dean I will always worry about you. I know you can do this, but do it for you, not for me."

Dean didn't have the words. Here was his little brother trying to guide him out of the dark. He was supposed to be the strong one, the protector. All his life he looked after Sam and now he could see Sam was looking after him. Dean was not sure when the roles reversed, or if they had even completely had, but he knew he couldn't let him down again.

Dean looked Sam straight in the eyes. "I promise I will fight."

Sam could see in his brother's face he would. "That's all I ask."


End file.
